Practicing Abundance

  my photo from the Minnesota Arboretum The past few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. Twice, I have described to my therapist what I am experiencing, and she has nodded compassionately and said, "you're grieving" Huh?  I thought I was struggling with a mental health issue, running old unhealthy thought patterns, or possibly going crazy, and she says I'm grieving?  At the same time my mind paused to question and examine that idea, my heart resonated deeply with it and I wondered simultaneously how this could possibly be grieving and why I hadn't seen it before.  It baffles me how grief shows up so unexpectedly. When I was younger, I thought grief had to always be sad feelings around the one we lost, or around children in general. Even though I have learned more and more about grief, and specifically my grief, it still shows up in ways that I don't expect.  I am so grateful for God leading me to my therapist. She is truly a life-changing, heart-rescui...

There was a beautiful talk in the Saturday evening session of General Conference. The man shared powerful stories of using the priesthood power of God to bless his family - raising two members of his immediate family from death on two separate occasions.  I went to bed early that night. I've been extra tired lately.  Or was it hearing that story again that moved me to tune out of the conference early?  I believe in the priesthood power of God. I am happy for those who see their loved ones' lives preserved and are spared the pain of grief for a time.  I also know that I am not one of those people.  My children's lives were not preserved.  I was not spared the pain of child loss.  And it doesn't mean I am any less, less beloved, or lacking in faith.  Sometimes I hear of miraculous recoveries and wonder - did I really do all I could? Was there a question I could have asked, or a request I could have made?  My brain fills with some form of disson...

Diamond, by Strive to Be, Nik Day "You are, you are a diamond So bright, treasured and priceless A timeless work of art We see the gleam in side your heart When you feel under pressure It's just making you stronger Remember you were born for this You are a diamond" This song was playing while I was stretching this morning and the Spirit nudged my heart to write. The concept of this song is not new to me - I've been a fan of Hawk Nelson's song "Diamonds" for years. But something about this one, this morning, brought the Spirit to my heart and illuminated some of my path.  The result after pressure is designed to be a priceless thing of purity and beauty.  When hard things happen - when we are scarred by trauma or death, haunted by fear, or feel trapped and unable to proceed or to live out our desires - that's certainly not what I think of first. In these moments, the thought that "this is making you stronger!" can feel way to preppy and insu...

  I committed to writing courageously here, to not hiding the good or the bad. And then I disappeared for over a month. It's been a little turbulent over here, I admit.  But somehow, it's also been fascinating.  Let me explain.  In the past, since Daniel died anyway, winter has been very painful. I don't know why holidays are so painful. There are many reasons I've thought of, but I also have the feeling that there are many more reasons I haven't thought of yet.  But this year has felt different. It's still painful, perhaps even more so than before, but there has been less emotional 'drama'. We did not travel for Christmas, and we didn't agonize about it until the last minute like usual. We just decided we wouldn't and left it at that. Sweet relief! I dread the process of trying to figure out Christmas plans. It's not that I don't want to see family - it's just complicated.  Another new thing this year was that I woke up the day befor...

  This one showed up in my Instagram feed this week; I consider it a gift from Heaven just the day before Aubrey's 6th birthday.  Happy Birthday Aubrey Elizabeth.  I miss you. 

  This week I read a fascinating concept in the book, Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore. It's a deep, healing read and helped me to navigate an intense grief experience the very day I read it.  I recommend giving the book a try if you feel disconnected from the love of your lost one(s).  The piece I read was this:  The word emotion has its roots in the Latin mover  and emover , meaning "to move through" and "to move out". Our emotions move in us, move through us, and move between us. And when we allow them to move freely, they change, perhaps scarcely and perhaps gradually - but inevitably. This is grief's most piercing message; there is no way around - the only way is through. Page 54 Later that evening, I felt another surge of big feelings rising up inside of me (why is it always in the evening??). Sensing that this was a big one, I retreated to my designated safe space and sat, pressing one hand into my heart space and one over my lower belly. I...