grief pangs

There was a beautiful talk in the Saturday evening session of General Conference. The man shared powerful stories of using the priesthood power of God to bless his family - raising two members of his immediate family from death on two separate occasions. 

I went to bed early that night. I've been extra tired lately. 

Or was it hearing that story again that moved me to tune out of the conference early? 

I believe in the priesthood power of God. I am happy for those who see their loved ones' lives preserved and are spared the pain of grief for a time. 

I also know that I am not one of those people. 

My children's lives were not preserved. 

I was not spared the pain of child loss. 

And it doesn't mean I am any less, less beloved, or lacking in faith. 

Sometimes I hear of miraculous recoveries and wonder - did I really do all I could? Was there a question I could have asked, or a request I could have made? 

My brain fills with some form of dissonance as I try to hold these two truths simultaneously. It's a hard one. It hasn't always been easy to believe. 

As I lay in bed that night, I was reminded of a talk from a previous conference I had heard again while washing dishes earlier this week. 

Big storms were expected in the Pacific islands during a scheduled visit from church leadership. Saints on all three islands prayed that the rain would let up. 

On two islands, the rain miraculously stopped before the conference began. 

On the third island, Tonga, it continued. 

This doesn't mean the saints in Tonga had less faith, President Nelson explained. Rather, the instance demonstrates two kinds of faith - the faith to pray for the rain to stop, and the faith to stay for the conference anyway if it does not. Of the experience, he shares: 

We saw vibrant faith at work among each of those islanders—faith sufficient to stop the rain and faith to persevere when the rain did not stop.

The mountains in our lives do not always move how or when we would like. But our faith will always propel us forward. Faith always increases our access to godly power.

Please know this: if everything and everyone else in the world whom you trust should fail, Jesus Christ and His Church will never fail you. The Lord never slumbers, nor does He sleep.¹⁶ He “is the same yesterday, today, and [tomorrow].”¹⁷ He will not forsake His covenants,¹⁸ His promises, or His love for His people. He works miracles today, and He will work miracles tomorrow.¹⁹

Faith in Jesus Christ is the greatest power available to us in this life. All things are possible to them that believe.²⁰

Perhaps my faith learning journey is currently that of 'faith to not'. 

Faith to not see lives changed from my efforts as a full-time missionary (just mine, but more on that another day). 

Faith to carry on when my children's lives are not spared.

Faith to continue believing when health is not granted in the way I wanted. 

Faith to see the blessings I am given even when they are not the blessings I imagined or asked for. 

It still stings to hear these stories and I usually find myself thinking cynical things like "That's cute", or "Could I have done more?" while processing feeling lost around the dissonance and grief. I want to acknowledge that clean pain of loss. 

I am also deeply grateful for the stories like the rain-soaked saints in Tonga, that reassure me that I am not broken or unloved. 

It is just a different learning path. A different flavor of faith, perhaps. 

And it is good. 

I am good. 

I can still choose faith, truth, and light, and trust.

I can stick to what I know, and hold to the ground I have already won, even as I strive to understand all the rest.