Practicing Abundance

  my photo from the Minnesota Arboretum The past few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. Twice, I have described to my therapist what I am experiencing, and she has nodded compassionately and said, "you're grieving" Huh?  I thought I was struggling with a mental health issue, running old unhealthy thought patterns, or possibly going crazy, and she says I'm grieving?  At the same time my mind paused to question and examine that idea, my heart resonated deeply with it and I wondered simultaneously how this could possibly be grieving and why I hadn't seen it before.  It baffles me how grief shows up so unexpectedly. When I was younger, I thought grief had to always be sad feelings around the one we lost, or around children in general. Even though I have learned more and more about grief, and specifically my grief, it still shows up in ways that I don't expect.  I am so grateful for God leading me to my therapist. She is truly a life-changing, heart-rescui...

My beautiful, yummy smelling beeswax candle. ❤️ Just got it out yesterday. Today I want to share with you something that my therapist has taught me about helping my body feel safe/calming anxiety.  I've been honestly dreading the end of January. Based on how my body has been "remembering" traumatic events around Daniel's birth, life and death I was afraid of what might come up on his death day (Jan 29).  What happened? Nothing. I was amazingly fine. In fact I had a great week at work that week. Early February, however, I find myself sleeping poorly with bizarre nightmares and extra large panic attacks during the day. Not to mention fatigue and foggy unfocused thoughts. 🤷‍♀️ Delayed response, I suppose.  This is the first year I've approached these dates with any degree of awareness and it's been fascinating (and so good) to allow space for the trauma of Daniel's life as well as his death. It's easy to think of his death and the aftermath ...

  I committed to writing courageously here, to not hiding the good or the bad. And then I disappeared for over a month. It's been a little turbulent over here, I admit.  But somehow, it's also been fascinating.  Let me explain.  In the past, since Daniel died anyway, winter has been very painful. I don't know why holidays are so painful. There are many reasons I've thought of, but I also have the feeling that there are many more reasons I haven't thought of yet.  But this year has felt different. It's still painful, perhaps even more so than before, but there has been less emotional 'drama'. We did not travel for Christmas, and we didn't agonize about it until the last minute like usual. We just decided we wouldn't and left it at that. Sweet relief! I dread the process of trying to figure out Christmas plans. It's not that I don't want to see family - it's just complicated.  Another new thing this year was that I woke up the day befor...