"you're grieving"

 

my photo from the Minnesota Arboretum

The past few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. Twice, I have described to my therapist what I am experiencing, and she has nodded compassionately and said,

"you're grieving"

Huh? 

I thought I was struggling with a mental health issue, running old unhealthy thought patterns, or possibly going crazy, and she says I'm grieving? 

At the same time my mind paused to question and examine that idea, my heart resonated deeply with it and I wondered simultaneously how this could possibly be grieving and why I hadn't seen it before. 

It baffles me how grief shows up so unexpectedly. When I was younger, I thought grief had to always be sad feelings around the one we lost, or around children in general. Even though I have learned more and more about grief, and specifically my grief, it still shows up in ways that I don't expect. 

I am so grateful for God leading me to my therapist. She is truly a life-changing, heart-rescuing guide in my life. 

I was reading through my old blog again and feeling the youngness of it - the simple faith that blessed my early days of grieving but was quickly smothered by raging grief down the road. 

And 'raging' is the word for it this spring, let me tell you. My moods have been so volatile, my window of tolerance so small and fragile... It's hard to have compassion for myself when I see how ugly-spirited I can become. 

And yet - a new learning entered my life just at the time I was ready to understand it, and now I am learning about the Internal Family Systems model through my therapist (who tried to teach me before and I sort of got it but now it's really clicking) and the book No Bad PartsNo Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz. 

It was the title that intrigued me. 

I sure felt like I had bad parts. 

In fact, at the time I started the book, I felt like one big, bad, raging mess of a 'part'. 

But just like the author says, as soon as you offer curiosity and compassion to your injured and burdened 'parts', they transform. 

If you aren't familiar with IFS it can sound pretty weird. I am familiar with it, and it still sounds weird. But if you do the work (with your trained therapist) the experience is undeniably real. If it sounds intriguing, try the book and find an IFS-trained therapist to guide you. 

I found my rage instantly disarmed by the book, and, in subsequent work with my therapist, I felt a huge amount of relief. There is still the lurking feeling of more 'parts' that need attention, but they'll have to wait for my next appointment. This work can get intense. 

In the meantime, I try to remember to have compassion, be kind to my aching heart, and remind myself, 

"you're grieving". 

And when my hackles go up about feeling weak or delicate, be kind to them too. These parts are also grieving.