Lead On, Good Shepherd

 

There was bad news about the car. Again. 

Really?

As I heard the news I felt the competing emotions arising in my heart. One part was despaired and angry that things just couldn't work out; the other saw the situation as it was, and calmly chose to trust that all would work out. 

For possibly the first time, I was observing and noticing the diverging path in front of me, rather than reacting to an event faster than I could think about it. 

I had heard a discussion recently where a group of people were discussing this concept - something happens and you feel like you are flipping between opposing emotions or responses - like exhilaration and terror. 

I had always thought that this vacillation was just how it was, and I would just be caught between the two until the situation was resolved. But these people said no - that is your moment of choice. You get to choose between exhilaration and terror. You can choose between faith and fear. 

Right then, when you feel that fork in the road emerging before you, is your moment. You have the power to choose, provided by your Savior. 

This afternoon, I chose fear. 

I wanted to feel mad about it and let the world know that I thought the situation was "not funny". So I grumped and stabbed at my lunch, and left to run an errand. The whole time I was out I stewed. Even when I decided I'd had enough I found I couldn't get out of it - like a course had been triggered or set off in my system and there was nothing for it but to ride it out and make sure I made better, intentional decisions once the biology had run it's course. 

I imagined the two paths again - one that I had taken, resulting in anger, confusion, swirling thoughts and emotions, and a sense of loss, and the other - where I decided to trust that my God would care for me and would not abandon me and that if He was with me I would be okay. The better answer was clear from this perspective. 

As I noticed the sensations and pondered it all, this song, Lead On, Good Shepherd, came on the radio. Fun story, but radio is one of the ways God speaks to me sometimes. More on that another time, I'm sure. 

Today it was "Lead on, Good Shepherd" that caught my attention. I felt in my heart that my pride had gotten the better of me and I had chosen to be angry instead of trusting "good things to come". 

Never had the opportunity to choose my emotional response (and the effects of my choice) been so clearly laid out before me - and even in such an innocent way, where no big decisions or events were happening, it was just me in the car, observing my thoughts and feeling the sense of an ever-patient Father teaching me something, if I would listen. 

By the time I got home, my head was hurting, I was dropping things and feeling almost ridiculously short-tempered. 

Thankfully, the Merciful Lord blessed me to be able to still observe the situation rather than being completely swept away in it. 

After a nap and intentional thinking, I finally came out of the funk, though the headache stuck around. I felt something important had been learned - or at least taught - that day. 

Later, when the car situation came up again and Davis once again said, "The Lord will provide", I saw the two choices again before me and knew which one I take this time. 

"Yes," I said, "He will". 

Lead on, Good Shepherd. Lead on.