Practicing Abundance

I was recently listening to a BYU devotional in which the speaker reminded me of a concept she calls "target fixation".  "Have you ever heard of target fixation? It's the phenomenon that explains why we go where we fix our gaze. Target fixation is why skiers, mountain bikers, and motorcyclists sometimes plow directly into the trees, rocks, and other obstacles they try so hard to miss. In each of these instances, target fixation leads to disaster because their eyes are focused somewhere other than their intended destinations. Similarly, in our lives, focusing too much on anything besides the Savior can lead to peril." As I was mowing the lawn later that week, the concept swirled around in my mind and collided with a memory of my dad teaching me that when you mow the lawn, you keep your eyes on the end of the row (where you're going) in order to get a straight line. If you just watch the ground in front of you, you'll end up with a wobbly line.  A single ...

Look Unto Christ from Strive to Be I love the music from Strive to Be. The more I listen, the more I feel soft moments of understanding and insight and peace.  This year's theme song is Look Unto Christ. Here's a cool insight I had while it was playing in my head as I was driving (it can only play in my head because my car stereo is not working...) My child development classes in college were some of my very favorites and I learned so many fascinating things. One of them is that when a child is very young, parents are their reference points for how to respond to their envrionment. We call this "social referencing" .  For example - toddler and caregiver are playing in the living room. Toddler is testing out her new ability to run, loses balance, and falls - plop - right on her puffy diaper. Reflexively, she looks to Dad.  Scenario 1: Dad gasps, looks worried, and runs over asking if she's okay, feeling fear in his heart. Likely toddler response: her face also wrin...

No photo for this one, because as I was getting it, I ruined the moment.  Davis and I were enjoying a quiet evening at home, doing some of our favorite things.  We'd made some popcorn and ate it while gazing out our beautiful bay window. We'd read aloud from our fiction book together after dinner.  As we were reading, Reggie came up and, after circling a few times, snuggled into Davis's lap 😍 It was a good cuddle; the kind that doesn't happen every day, or even every month.  The kind that stills my heart and captures me into a moment.  The moment of watching Davis' strong hands gently massage Reggie's furry belly in just the way he loves it.  Seeing the complete and utter loving trust this cat has in Davis.  It feels like a holy moment. An opening into the tender parts of our hearts as I ponder - those hands would have gently held and comforted our children, had they lived. Those hands have so much love in them.  It is a moment where, despite bei...

  my photo from the Minnesota Arboretum The past few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. Twice, I have described to my therapist what I am experiencing, and she has nodded compassionately and said, "you're grieving" Huh?  I thought I was struggling with a mental health issue, running old unhealthy thought patterns, or possibly going crazy, and she says I'm grieving?  At the same time my mind paused to question and examine that idea, my heart resonated deeply with it and I wondered simultaneously how this could possibly be grieving and why I hadn't seen it before.  It baffles me how grief shows up so unexpectedly. When I was younger, I thought grief had to always be sad feelings around the one we lost, or around children in general. Even though I have learned more and more about grief, and specifically my grief, it still shows up in ways that I don't expect.  I am so grateful for God leading me to my therapist. She is truly a life-changing, heart-rescui...

Last night we went to Katherine Applegate's One and Only Family tour organized by Red Balloon Bookstore. 😍 I've recently discovered Katherine Applegate's books and I just love her style of writing. I listened to most of them during my last few months working at a middle school when I was really struggling with my health and didn't know what was going on. So when I heard she was going to be in town I had to go! She is a lovely person and does a fabulous presentation. I loved hearing from her and was mostly successful in ignoring how woozy I felt during the presentation.  Standing in line to meet her I tried not to think about how weird my knees felt, and that my legs were starting to shaky. My mind immediately jumps to the worst conclusions when something is off with my body.  I reflected on my week. I have had a nagging sense of overtired fatigue, but brushed it off in favor of doing what I wanted to do.  Actually it has been several weeks that I've been letting my...

There was a beautiful talk in the Saturday evening session of General Conference. The man shared powerful stories of using the priesthood power of God to bless his family - raising two members of his immediate family from death on two separate occasions.  I went to bed early that night. I've been extra tired lately.  Or was it hearing that story again that moved me to tune out of the conference early?  I believe in the priesthood power of God. I am happy for those who see their loved ones' lives preserved and are spared the pain of grief for a time.  I also know that I am not one of those people.  My children's lives were not preserved.  I was not spared the pain of child loss.  And it doesn't mean I am any less, less beloved, or lacking in faith.  Sometimes I hear of miraculous recoveries and wonder - did I really do all I could? Was there a question I could have asked, or a request I could have made?  My brain fills with some form of disson...