Practicing Abundance

  my photo from the Minnesota Arboretum The past few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. Twice, I have described to my therapist what I am experiencing, and she has nodded compassionately and said, "you're grieving" Huh?  I thought I was struggling with a mental health issue, running old unhealthy thought patterns, or possibly going crazy, and she says I'm grieving?  At the same time my mind paused to question and examine that idea, my heart resonated deeply with it and I wondered simultaneously how this could possibly be grieving and why I hadn't seen it before.  It baffles me how grief shows up so unexpectedly. When I was younger, I thought grief had to always be sad feelings around the one we lost, or around children in general. Even though I have learned more and more about grief, and specifically my grief, it still shows up in ways that I don't expect.  I am so grateful for God leading me to my therapist. She is truly a life-changing, heart-rescui...

Last night we went to Katherine Applegate's One and Only Family tour organized by Red Balloon Bookstore. 😍 I've recently discovered Katherine Applegate's books and I just love her style of writing. I listened to most of them during my last few months working at a middle school when I was really struggling with my health and didn't know what was going on. So when I heard she was going to be in town I had to go! She is a lovely person and does a fabulous presentation. I loved hearing from her and was mostly successful in ignoring how woozy I felt during the presentation.  Standing in line to meet her I tried not to think about how weird my knees felt, and that my legs were starting to shaky. My mind immediately jumps to the worst conclusions when something is off with my body.  I reflected on my week. I have had a nagging sense of overtired fatigue, but brushed it off in favor of doing what I wanted to do.  Actually it has been several weeks that I've been letting my...

There was a beautiful talk in the Saturday evening session of General Conference. The man shared powerful stories of using the priesthood power of God to bless his family - raising two members of his immediate family from death on two separate occasions.  I went to bed early that night. I've been extra tired lately.  Or was it hearing that story again that moved me to tune out of the conference early?  I believe in the priesthood power of God. I am happy for those who see their loved ones' lives preserved and are spared the pain of grief for a time.  I also know that I am not one of those people.  My children's lives were not preserved.  I was not spared the pain of child loss.  And it doesn't mean I am any less, less beloved, or lacking in faith.  Sometimes I hear of miraculous recoveries and wonder - did I really do all I could? Was there a question I could have asked, or a request I could have made?  My brain fills with some form of disson...

My beautiful, yummy smelling beeswax candle. ❤️ Just got it out yesterday. Today I want to share with you something that my therapist has taught me about helping my body feel safe/calming anxiety.  I've been honestly dreading the end of January. Based on how my body has been "remembering" traumatic events around Daniel's birth, life and death I was afraid of what might come up on his death day (Jan 29).  What happened? Nothing. I was amazingly fine. In fact I had a great week at work that week. Early February, however, I find myself sleeping poorly with bizarre nightmares and extra large panic attacks during the day. Not to mention fatigue and foggy unfocused thoughts. 🤷‍♀️ Delayed response, I suppose.  This is the first year I've approached these dates with any degree of awareness and it's been fascinating (and so good) to allow space for the trauma of Daniel's life as well as his death. It's easy to think of his death and the aftermath ...

Diamond, by Strive to Be, Nik Day "You are, you are a diamond So bright, treasured and priceless A timeless work of art We see the gleam in side your heart When you feel under pressure It's just making you stronger Remember you were born for this You are a diamond" This song was playing while I was stretching this morning and the Spirit nudged my heart to write. The concept of this song is not new to me - I've been a fan of Hawk Nelson's song "Diamonds" for years. But something about this one, this morning, brought the Spirit to my heart and illuminated some of my path.  The result after pressure is designed to be a priceless thing of purity and beauty.  When hard things happen - when we are scarred by trauma or death, haunted by fear, or feel trapped and unable to proceed or to live out our desires - that's certainly not what I think of first. In these moments, the thought that "this is making you stronger!" can feel way to preppy and insu...

  I committed to writing courageously here, to not hiding the good or the bad. And then I disappeared for over a month. It's been a little turbulent over here, I admit.  But somehow, it's also been fascinating.  Let me explain.  In the past, since Daniel died anyway, winter has been very painful. I don't know why holidays are so painful. There are many reasons I've thought of, but I also have the feeling that there are many more reasons I haven't thought of yet.  But this year has felt different. It's still painful, perhaps even more so than before, but there has been less emotional 'drama'. We did not travel for Christmas, and we didn't agonize about it until the last minute like usual. We just decided we wouldn't and left it at that. Sweet relief! I dread the process of trying to figure out Christmas plans. It's not that I don't want to see family - it's just complicated.  Another new thing this year was that I woke up the day befor...